I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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