Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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