Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
