That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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