Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
two words...techno handjob
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I love you.
Bad choice
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