Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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