the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
