Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
