watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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