Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
