she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
