Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
