have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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