I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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