Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
