I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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