Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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