the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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