She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
