she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
