she told me i tasted like america
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
