just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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