The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
