I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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