I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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