You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
