I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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