i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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