i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
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so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
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I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.