happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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