Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
