I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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