She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize