So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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