2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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