she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
