Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
