I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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