My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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