if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
