Having a random hookup so left but love u
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
