omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
