These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
