You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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