I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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