So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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