im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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