I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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