i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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