I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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