listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
