I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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