I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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