apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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