Whod you bang
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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