My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
